Resume for Success: A MySpace Story

Although a writer myself, I figured that I’d have someone else, a professional resume writer, look over my resume to make sure it reflected my skills effectively. He came back with all sorts of great points on the “impressions” I was inadvertently giving through my resume of a lack of confidence and experience – a thing that was killing me because I’m looking for a middle management position.

That same day, I got an email from someone on MySpace that had written me a couple of times before, but who I had never responded to. I get 3 to 5 of these emails a day. Men who found my pic on the “browse” feature and send me friend requests or notes saying he is “new to the area” and wants someone to “show him around.” Occasionally someone’s email will strike my interest by a comment, or a great profile and I'll respond, but most of the respectable looking gents will at least get a click and a glance from me.

This seemed like a respectable guy, and I had clicked on his profile and just nothing sparked for me, so I didn’t respond. But he wrote me and asked for an explanation – fully blunt and honest – of why I didn’t respond to him. I rarely get called out on this issue and a little evil part of me wanted to be completely honest and blunt as he requested.

His email:

“Why don't you ever respond to my emails? I know I sent you one months ago and also one recently. Am I that unattractive? Is my profile objectionable? I am just curious, I think you are a very attractive young lady and value your opinion. Don't sugar coat it, if i am too old or too ugly just say so.”

As I was replying to him, I realized that it was little things that gave me a negative impression – probably things he never thought about…which brings me full circle to the resume thing.

A MySpace page is a personal resume. It says what you want to say, but sometimes what you don’t want to say as well. It is a reflection of who you are as a person. And that, for some people, is NOT a good thing!

For instance, I can spot a married man a mile away. They have “tells” and “red flags” that women know to look for…any woman with an IQ over 75 that is.

• They don’t give away their name at all, in any photos or profile clues.
• They have plain profiles, because they don’t have time to work on them because their wife will catch them.
• They come from another area and are “only in town for business.”
• And most importantly, they don’t have any of their real life friends added – only young girls that look suspiciously like you (they always have a “type”) with a band or a porn star mingled in with their top eight. They don’t want their friends to tell their wives they are cruising for out of town chicks.
• They also usually have “Tom” as one of their top friends.

Idiots.

MySpace Etiquette Rules for Men:

1. First picture should be a close up. I don’t care if you are dog-ugly – its not like you can hide it if I ever met you in person! Far away pics says to me you are insecure about your looks and don't want to be closely seen. 
   
   
2. Don't take a picture of your car!! Or you with your car! It makes you seem materialistic. I've rarely found a woman who cares about what a man drives, as much as men want to think she cares.





3. Don't use pictures with ex-girlfriends/wives in them but cropped out - makes you seem petty, for one, and for two, you haven't been single long enough to have pictures of your own life (big red flag).



4. If you are looking to hook up with me, please let your girlfriend in on it!! Don’t email me with a proposition when:
   1. your status is “married” or “in a relationship”
   2. your first friend is your girlfriend
   3. you have posted pictures of you two together at the last major holiday (with date stamps on photos)
   4. your woman is posting “Can’t wait to see you tonight, baby!” on your comment board.
      
      Newsflash: The comment board was created for girls to collar a guy, or a guy to pee on a girl’s leg – same result. TAKEN, and the guy is a jerk for being unfaithful AND stupid. (Notice in both scenarios, men are the dogs?)
      
      
5. Don’t put Jenna Jamison in your top ten. She’s not your friend. She’s not your top friend. And if you think she is, I know you spend WAY too much time with her. Loser.



6. Don’t send me pictures of your penis. Has this ever worked for you, really? Has any woman just been overwhelmed with lust at the size of your manliness and just begged for your number so she could rush over there and fuck you? I’m guessing no. So basically you are just a digital flasher with no trench coat, most of the time with nothing significant to flash. Congratulations – you are officially creepy.





7. Don’t take a picture of yourself in the mirror with your shirt off. Yes, you have a nice sixpack, but women aren’t like men. We don’t care. We do however care if you unemployed, doing drugs, and still living with your mother. A sixpack is not going to gloss that puppy over. Give me a chubby accountant with a six-figure income any day. (BTW, I got this picture from a gay site. No man that hot is hetero.





8. Don’t take a picture of yourself in a mirror at all! This is a married guys trick. If the only pictures of you were taken in a mirror, it means the regular pictures of you all have your wife in them, and you can’t have a friend snap a picture because then you’d have to admit why you wanted him to. There is no un-gay way to ask a fellow buddy, “hey, take my picture while I pose…”


9. Take the time to compose full sentences. Invitations like “Wut up! U’r hot. Wanna fuck?” should be rephrased “Hello Lauren! You are a very attractive woman. Would you like to get a drink sometime?” This probably won’t help your chances, but I’ll think more highly of you.


10. Here are some places that its good to lie and fudge the truth:
    1. Books: never say you “don’t read.” Just put “I like the classics” or put some standards like Stephen King and John Grisham – both of which you can watch the movies and be set for any quiz. Men who don’t read are video game freaks. Above all, don’t admit THAT to a woman.
    2. TV Shows: Don’t list more than 2 or 3 tv shows, and don’t include any reality tv. That is a forbidden guilty pleasure that no man should admit to partaking of – unless you are gay. Then its ok.
    3. Salary Range: Don’t put how much you make. A classy guy wouldn’t do that. If you make less than 60k, you don’t want to advertise the fact, and if you make more, you should know better then to reveal salary. Its impolite to talk about, why do we list it on our profiles?
    4. Heroes: If you are cheating on your wife, don’t put “Jesus Christ our Lord is my savior and hero because he died for us”. I guarantee he didn’t die for your cheating, adulterous ass. Hypocrite.
11. Don’t say “I don’t want to meet any liars, cheaters, evil people or women with drama” or any other derivative. Its moronic. No one wants to meet any of those people. What is a girl going to do, click on your profile and say, “darn! I better not contact him because he doesn’t like liars and I lie all the time. Guess we don’t have anything in common.” Basically it’s a beacon for any lying, evil, cheating skank with three baby daddies. Come on man. Use your brain.


12. Don’t describe the “perfect” girl you want to meet. I will never live up to those expectations. It reveals a man who is close-minded, needy, looking to fill a void in his life because he’s not comfortable with himself, and will never find a woman as great as his mama.


13. I was going to end there, but I got a message WHILE I WAS WRITING THIS that forces me to make another rule. If you are under 25 years of age, don’t email me looking for a “mature female friend” because girls your age “don’t know what they want” and don’t understand you. First of all, I’m 33 and not ready to be called “mature” in a dating sense. Its offensive.
    
     
    
    I’m not a cougar yet, gentlemen. I have no interest in some young stud who will last all night but can’t put two sentences together coherently unless it begins with “When I grow up, I want to…” This is the age of Viagra! I can have a man ANY age that can last all night. Preferably older, with enough money to take me out to an expensive dinner, who will know enough about the world to have a conversation. 
    
    
    But check back with me in about seven years…Viagra can only do so much.