Eight Worst Dating Stories

I was recently discussing the topic of "dating" with, ironically, a first date, and I was inspired to look back through my way-too-long dating history and recall some of the more outrageous and ridiculous dates I have experienced.

I've been single for a while. I don't know why. Apparently I snore. But in the course of trying to find Mr. Right, or even Mr. Right Now, I've run into a few Mr. Wrongs. Most of these stories were first dates, but not all. Almost all were 'last' dates though.


8. The Tanker. I was invited for a boat ride with this very handsome man. I hadn't spent much time on a boat, and I was expecting this nice cruiser the way he talked about it. I get to the marina and its this old fishing boat that reeked of fish. Well, I had dressed all nice and wore fancy sandals. It was a VERY fast boat. I ended up standing, mostly because I didn't want to sit on fish guts, hanging on to the bar of the right console as we were cruising. I was having a great time. Well, my date decided to impress me by jumping the wake of a tanker...you know those huge ass boats that put up wakes surfers would enjoy?

I (and the boat) flew into the air as we hit the large wave perpendicular, and when I landed, my beautifully clad foot slipped to the side and I heard a loud crack.

I had to be carried to the car and taken to the hospital. I broke two bones in my foot and was on crutches for 4 weeks.

7. The Orchestra. I was set up by a friend to go out with a friend of her boyfriend. You know the drill. Anyway, he asked me to a "Christmas Orchestra Concert" at the Chrysler. We dressed up, had a nice dinner and then when to the orchestra concert. I was expecting classical and holiday instrumentals.



It was the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Long haired Headbangers with guitars playing God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen. I felt like I was at a really bad White Snake concert. It was the longest night of my life. This one wasn't very amusing, but it was definitely a disaster, and apparently I was the only one to think so. He had a whole cruise to the Bahamas planned for us during intermission, and all I could think about was how expensive a cab ride from the Chrysler to Hampton would be.

6. The Voice. I agreed to meet someone I had been corresponding online with for a long time - a real hunk. He was 6'1", gorgeous hair, smart, accomplished...the whole package. I met him at a coffee place, and when I saw him, I though "wow!" He was every bit, if not more, attractive than his pics. So we go to sit down and he starts talking.

Then I thought "wow," but not in the same way.

His voice was higher than mine.

I had to ask him to repeat what he had said because I was so thrown by it. I thought, "this can't be real! He has to be faking this. Maybe he's not interested and this is a clever way to get rid of me." However, we sat and talked for 2 HOURS!! The whole time I must've seemed totally blonde, because he would ask me a question and I would have to pretend I was listening...not having any idea what he just asked me. It was like talking to Andy Gibb in falsetto.



I couldn't concentrate! I felt horrible about it later. Even now, the voice is lingering in my head...like a mosquito whine. If it was fake...kudos to that clever man that kept that voice up for two hours.

5. The Psychiatrist. After dating someone for 3 weeks, we finally had the "religion" discussion and he found out I wasn't a devout Christian like he was. His solution was to sit me down and ask me to go to couples counseling with him. Followed by family counseling so he and I, and his two children could function well as a family. This was suggested by his psychiatrist.... Umm. No.

4. The New Daddy. I met this very charming man for a seafood dinner, and in the course of casual conversation, I asked if he had any children. He said he had one, but would soon have two. ???? Ok, red flag. ???? I asked for clarification. He told me that his girlfriend was having his second daughter the next day in a planned Induction, but he was cool till the morning.

Your baby mama is having your daughter the next morning and you're out on a first date?? Hello!!

3. The Pedicure. I got set up with this guy and we talked on the phone for a bit. He wanted to meet, but asked if I would do him a favor for our first date. He wanted to get a pedicure. He apparently got addicted to them when stationed overseas (yes, I wondered what other type of services he got addicted to overseas) and he felt weird going alone. He said he'd love to buy me a pedicure if I went with him and he could pretend he was reluctantly being dragged along by his pushy date. I was all about a free pedicure, and the idea APPEARED to be sound until I really thought about it.

There is something so not sexy about seeing, and having your date see, skin being shaved off of your heels. I never thought about it before, but pedicures are really disgusting. "I" don't even like to watch them. I usually read something so I can pretend someone is not sanding my callouses off. And he wanted to talk the whole time...and all the time I'm thinking: "A free pedicure is not worth this..."

However, for his ingenuity, I gave this guy a second chance. See 2.

2. The Scavenger Hunt. My pedicure guy wanted to go out again. I agreed to meet him at Starbuck's and we would get some dinner or something somewhere (I never let new guys know where I live.) He gets out of his car with a HUGE arrangement of flowers. This isn't a bouqet. This is an arrangement. Like the kind you leave on someone's grave. I didn't quite know what to do with it since I couldn't see over it to say hi, but I do admit to looking for a card that said "Our Condolences."

I put it down on the car seat and he announces that he has a "thing" planned. He pulls out three envelopes and says that each of them are a different "date" and whatever one I pick, we'll do. I thought it was cute. I picked one, and read it off "Go to a restaurant of your choice". He snatched the card out of my hand, and said "no, not that one...pick again." I was very wary at this point. I pick another card. It says: "Go to the park and have a sunset picnic." Apparently this was the one he wanted. He pulls out a picnic basket from the trunk and hands it to me.

We are driving to the park, my lap filled with a large picnic basket and a large flower arrangement (did I mention he drove a 2-seater? And why didn't he put the basket BACK into the trunk?). I didn't expect a hike when I dressed for this date, so I was wearing heels and a skirt. We trekked 1/2 mile into Sandy Bottom Lake park and found this table overlooking the water.

It was beautiful. It was also swamp land. Mosquito heaven. I ate as fast as I could, but I got bit like 20 times... I tried to talk, but I was slapping away bugs so much I could hardly concentrate. That and my blistered feet were not putting me in a great mood.

Just when I'm about to tell him I have to go...this has been lovely, he pulls out three MORE envelopes. At this point, all I want is a cortisone bath to stop the itching... but he's clearly put a lot of work into this so I pick again. It says "I will take you clothes shopping and buy you any outfit you want". I was itchy, irritated and insulted that he thought I would want to be bought, so I said "no" and threw the paper in the swamp below us. I picked again, and it said "I will take you to a bookstore,buy you a book and have some coffee" I agreed to the bookstore and coffee, but refused to let him "buy me a book" grr! I led him out of the woods quickly, trying the escape the swarm of mosquitos that were following us and I noticed he was pouting a little. He'd probably imagined us holding hands, strolling through the woods...yada yada. This date was CLEARLY not going in the direction he wanted it to. In the car, I noticed three more envelopes sitting in plain view. I asked about them, and he said they were "for later". I said "Nope!" firmly and snatched them away from him. I threw them out of the window as he pulled off. He said, no matter - they all said "a goodnight kiss" and I think by then he knew THAT was not going to happen.

We ended up getting coffee, and once he had stopped pouting, we had this long talk about dating, about trying too hard, and about not "buying" women. His initial response was "The other three women I'm dating liked it!!" Apparently this was a "thing" for him, and who knows, at some point it must've gotten him laid. The slips of paper were even saved on his computer and he would just print them out - pathetic. By the time I was finished with him though, he was "yes, ma'am'ing" me and asking my advice on better dating strategies. We shook hands and I wished him good luck, and told him NEVER to call me again.

1. The Mob. My favorite! Hadn't been dating this guy long, but we were getting along. We went out to dinner and then back to his place for drinks. We are sitting on his back porch drinking a beer and talking. Well, he was talking and I was trying to ignore this steadily increasing sound of people partying across the street. The noise was getting louder and louder, and my date was just talking louder and faster. He was clearly embarrassed and hoped I wouldn't notice. ha! Finally, he's drown out and he suggests we go investigate. (I'm thinking yeah!! I love me a street riot!) We go through the house to the front door and we see a party that has clearly gotten out of hand. There are hundreds of college students in the street, drinking, carousing, and some of them yelling at each other. Someone throws a bottle at a car. This fat lady in a blue dress screaming at some guy to "get yo punk ass outta here!!"

Mr. Date pushes me back into the house very manly like and says "wait here". He runs upstairs and all I hear is a couple of loud "ch-chick, ch-chick". He's up there for a while and I'm wondering what he's doing...when he comes CHARGING down the stairs, a M16 in his hand!



I'm kinda sliding away from him at this point. He leans the gun against the wall. Walks outside to his front porch and says "I'm going to protect your car. Stay back."

Well, you don't have to tell me twice.

He just stands there outside on the front lawn. This little white boy in a sea of 300 Hampton University students, drunk and throwing bottles. You coulda painted a bullseye on his head and it would've been less conspicuous.

The crowd eventually breaks up and he comes into the house and starts unloading. He pulls pistols and hand guns from every possible hiding place on his body and starts laying them down on the table. It was like a scene from Naked Gun.

I'm just staring at him. I'm not knowing whether to be turned on, or afraid. I don't know this guy that well and I'm NOT a gun person. He then explains that he owns like 52 guns and they are hidden every 10 feet in his house "in case of zombie invasion."

As this one actually reads my blogs, I will offer an epilogue:

To be fair...this wasn't a "last" date. We were together for many more disturbing gun stories...like the time I found a loaded pistol under my pillow. And his response to me freaking out over that was to pull a second loaded pistol from underneath HIS pillow, and say calmly, "zombies, babe." Then roll over and go back to sleep.

Talk about breaking up with someone VERY....CAREFULLY!!

Resume for Success: A MySpace Story

Although a writer myself, I figured that I’d have someone else, a professional resume writer, look over my resume to make sure it reflected my skills effectively. He came back with all sorts of great points on the “impressions” I was inadvertently giving through my resume of a lack of confidence and experience – a thing that was killing me because I’m looking for a middle management position.

That same day, I got an email from someone on MySpace that had written me a couple of times before, but who I had never responded to. I get 3 to 5 of these emails a day. Men who found my pic on the “browse” feature and send me friend requests or notes saying he is “new to the area” and wants someone to “show him around.” Occasionally someone’s email will strike my interest by a comment, or a great profile and I'll respond, but most of the respectable looking gents will at least get a click and a glance from me.

This seemed like a respectable guy, and I had clicked on his profile and just nothing sparked for me, so I didn’t respond. But he wrote me and asked for an explanation – fully blunt and honest – of why I didn’t respond to him. I rarely get called out on this issue and a little evil part of me wanted to be completely honest and blunt as he requested.

His email:

“Why don't you ever respond to my emails? I know I sent you one months ago and also one recently. Am I that unattractive? Is my profile objectionable? I am just curious, I think you are a very attractive young lady and value your opinion. Don't sugar coat it, if i am too old or too ugly just say so.”

As I was replying to him, I realized that it was little things that gave me a negative impression – probably things he never thought about…which brings me full circle to the resume thing.

A MySpace page is a personal resume. It says what you want to say, but sometimes what you don’t want to say as well. It is a reflection of who you are as a person. And that, for some people, is NOT a good thing!

For instance, I can spot a married man a mile away. They have “tells” and “red flags” that women know to look for…any woman with an IQ over 75 that is.

• They don’t give away their name at all, in any photos or profile clues.
• They have plain profiles, because they don’t have time to work on them because their wife will catch them.
• They come from another area and are “only in town for business.”
• And most importantly, they don’t have any of their real life friends added – only young girls that look suspiciously like you (they always have a “type”) with a band or a porn star mingled in with their top eight. They don’t want their friends to tell their wives they are cruising for out of town chicks.
• They also usually have “Tom” as one of their top friends.

Idiots.

MySpace Etiquette Rules for Men:

1. First picture should be a close up. I don’t care if you are dog-ugly – its not like you can hide it if I ever met you in person! Far away pics says to me you are insecure about your looks and don't want to be closely seen. 
   
   
2. Don't take a picture of your car!! Or you with your car! It makes you seem materialistic. I've rarely found a woman who cares about what a man drives, as much as men want to think she cares.





3. Don't use pictures with ex-girlfriends/wives in them but cropped out - makes you seem petty, for one, and for two, you haven't been single long enough to have pictures of your own life (big red flag).



4. If you are looking to hook up with me, please let your girlfriend in on it!! Don’t email me with a proposition when:
   1. your status is “married” or “in a relationship”
   2. your first friend is your girlfriend
   3. you have posted pictures of you two together at the last major holiday (with date stamps on photos)
   4. your woman is posting “Can’t wait to see you tonight, baby!” on your comment board.
      
      Newsflash: The comment board was created for girls to collar a guy, or a guy to pee on a girl’s leg – same result. TAKEN, and the guy is a jerk for being unfaithful AND stupid. (Notice in both scenarios, men are the dogs?)
      
      
5. Don’t put Jenna Jamison in your top ten. She’s not your friend. She’s not your top friend. And if you think she is, I know you spend WAY too much time with her. Loser.



6. Don’t send me pictures of your penis. Has this ever worked for you, really? Has any woman just been overwhelmed with lust at the size of your manliness and just begged for your number so she could rush over there and fuck you? I’m guessing no. So basically you are just a digital flasher with no trench coat, most of the time with nothing significant to flash. Congratulations – you are officially creepy.





7. Don’t take a picture of yourself in the mirror with your shirt off. Yes, you have a nice sixpack, but women aren’t like men. We don’t care. We do however care if you unemployed, doing drugs, and still living with your mother. A sixpack is not going to gloss that puppy over. Give me a chubby accountant with a six-figure income any day. (BTW, I got this picture from a gay site. No man that hot is hetero.





8. Don’t take a picture of yourself in a mirror at all! This is a married guys trick. If the only pictures of you were taken in a mirror, it means the regular pictures of you all have your wife in them, and you can’t have a friend snap a picture because then you’d have to admit why you wanted him to. There is no un-gay way to ask a fellow buddy, “hey, take my picture while I pose…”


9. Take the time to compose full sentences. Invitations like “Wut up! U’r hot. Wanna fuck?” should be rephrased “Hello Lauren! You are a very attractive woman. Would you like to get a drink sometime?” This probably won’t help your chances, but I’ll think more highly of you.


10. Here are some places that its good to lie and fudge the truth:
    1. Books: never say you “don’t read.” Just put “I like the classics” or put some standards like Stephen King and John Grisham – both of which you can watch the movies and be set for any quiz. Men who don’t read are video game freaks. Above all, don’t admit THAT to a woman.
    2. TV Shows: Don’t list more than 2 or 3 tv shows, and don’t include any reality tv. That is a forbidden guilty pleasure that no man should admit to partaking of – unless you are gay. Then its ok.
    3. Salary Range: Don’t put how much you make. A classy guy wouldn’t do that. If you make less than 60k, you don’t want to advertise the fact, and if you make more, you should know better then to reveal salary. Its impolite to talk about, why do we list it on our profiles?
    4. Heroes: If you are cheating on your wife, don’t put “Jesus Christ our Lord is my savior and hero because he died for us”. I guarantee he didn’t die for your cheating, adulterous ass. Hypocrite.
11. Don’t say “I don’t want to meet any liars, cheaters, evil people or women with drama” or any other derivative. Its moronic. No one wants to meet any of those people. What is a girl going to do, click on your profile and say, “darn! I better not contact him because he doesn’t like liars and I lie all the time. Guess we don’t have anything in common.” Basically it’s a beacon for any lying, evil, cheating skank with three baby daddies. Come on man. Use your brain.


12. Don’t describe the “perfect” girl you want to meet. I will never live up to those expectations. It reveals a man who is close-minded, needy, looking to fill a void in his life because he’s not comfortable with himself, and will never find a woman as great as his mama.


13. I was going to end there, but I got a message WHILE I WAS WRITING THIS that forces me to make another rule. If you are under 25 years of age, don’t email me looking for a “mature female friend” because girls your age “don’t know what they want” and don’t understand you. First of all, I’m 33 and not ready to be called “mature” in a dating sense. Its offensive.
    
     
    
    I’m not a cougar yet, gentlemen. I have no interest in some young stud who will last all night but can’t put two sentences together coherently unless it begins with “When I grow up, I want to…” This is the age of Viagra! I can have a man ANY age that can last all night. Preferably older, with enough money to take me out to an expensive dinner, who will know enough about the world to have a conversation. 
    
    
    But check back with me in about seven years…Viagra can only do so much.