Sometimes Karma's Not a Bitch

STORYTIME: I was driving into the Farm Fresh grocery store parking lot when much to the chagrin of the three cars behind me, I stopped to let this old lady in a walker cross the road to get to her car. Because I stopped, I was in perfect timing to snag a parking space right up front as someone pulled out of it, and as I was walking in, another truck DIDN'T let me cross the road - sped past me and almost hit another car on his way out. 

This delayed me only slightly which put me at the salad bar at just the right time to reach for the dressing that was right next to this very handsome fellow with no wedding ring, which gave us an excuse to chat and flirt some, which led to him following me to the register to talk more (even though there was an empty one next to me) which led to me going out to my car as he was rung up, disappointed he didn't ask for my #, which flustered me in such a way I pulled out quickly without looking and almost ran him over as he was walking to his car, looking around the parking lot for me. 

This led to him laughing (thank goodness) and finally asking me out, all because I let a little old lady cross the street on a busy day. Bitch, don't tell me there is no such thing as Karma.

Bachelor Update - Valentine's Stalker Edition

DATING DIARY - VALENTINE'S EDITION: The current status of my four bachelors has, to be honest, taken a very weird turn. Let's work backwards: Bachelor #4 never got a date because he wouldn't tell me what he did for a living. I tried five times to get him to tell me, each time getting less tactful until I just came right out and demanded to know. It was like asking Barney Stinson what he does - he magically changed the subject every time. I only could get out of him that he worked nights and he didn't want to tell me, so that narrowed it down to a drug dealer or a stripper. 

Bachelor #3 got snagged by another chic while I was wasting time with Dully McDullerson, which is too bad because he looked like a young Russell Crowe. He's bookmarked for later - I'm already busy ruining one man's relationship, Russell will have to wait. 

Bachelor #2, my crush-with-Missouri-Girlfriend-baggage, I'm still working on and I'll tell you, he has gotten much more interesting. Turns out he's a Midwestern white rapper. Yes, I said Rapper. A rapper with three albums. If he knew how much I was laughing while watching his music video, he'd never speak to me again. (No, I will not give you the link.) This might come back to haunt me if I ever nail him...er, I mean ever nail him down. (It did.  Hi, Chuck!)

But to top off my Creepy Single Valentine's Day evening, I just got a Facebook Friend Request from Bachelor #1, Mr. McDullerson (who I now see is not dull, but in fact, just might be a serial killer.) Despite not agreeing to go out with him again, never giving my full name, and not having my face in my profile pic, he has managed to stalk me down and find me on Facebook. Why can't White Rapper stalk me?? Or young Russell Crowe?? Nope. I get Ted Bundy. Happy Freakin' Valentine's Day to me.

Misogynistic Teddy Bears

I can not say enough how much I hate and am offended by those Giant Teddy Bear commercials by Vermont Teddy. Not to mention it is one of the most sexist commercials I've ever seen, with hot models practically humping this giant teddy bear which apparently is a better gift than chocolates because it won't make your woman ask you if she's "too fat" (!!!!INNER RAGE!!!!) but it's a completely impractical gift. No grown woman would want a 5' giant teddy bear. Where in the hell would you put it? If you are going to spend $100 (!!) on a Valentine's day gift, buy us a nice dinner or jewelry, or hell, fill up our gas tank for us (an incredibly romantic gesture, btw). All of those choices are better than something we'll have to pull out of the garage, dust off and stick on our bed every time you come over so you won't find out we hate it and get your feelings all hurt.

Bachelor #2 - Dating Again, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

DATING DIARY: Ok, I haven't updated you all on Bachelor #2. I just went out with him and I have to say...PERFECT!! Well, almost - because it's me after all. I never get perfect. We had a great time - he's adorable, fun and personable and just moved to the area for work a month ago. Very easy to hang out with and I could totally see myself with him. I'm mentally picking out my wedding invitations when he drops the bomb: He has a long distance girlfriend back in Missouri. GODFUCKINGDAMNITTHEREISALWAYSFUCKINGSOMETHING!!! Well at least he was honest, and I definitely didn't get the blow off/excuse vibe. I might have only made a new drinking buddy (like I'm short on those) but I don't care because he's hot and smart, and those guys always have a girlfriend you have to get rid of. 

DID HE ASK ME OUT AGAIN: Yes. 

WILL I GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: My life's mission is now to break him up with the MO skank.

The gauntlet is thrown. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Bachelor #1 - Dating Again

DATING DIARY: I figure if most of my dates are awful, then the only way to succeed is go on a crap load of them....play the numbers, so to speak. So putting that theory into practice, I have four guys on the hook right now and went out with the first of them tonight. DATE #1: I said I never had uneventful dates? I was wrong. Dully McDullerson's crowning achievement so far in his 35 yrs is he's practicing to be the drummer for his roommates garage band. He had absolutely nothing interesting to say, at one point talking about resurfacing bathtubs. I literally counted the chives in my Miso soup. There were 17. He even talked slow. I missed some stuff in the middle of a story because I was daydreaming about a tornado coming down and lifting the restaurant up into the cyclone. I first wondered if I'd see a cow flying by, but then I thought, "Where would a cow come from in Hampton?" After I calculated in my head how long a cow would have to be spinning in a cyclone in Hampton if it came from a more rural area like Smithfield, I realized he'd stopped talking. A simple, "So, what'd you do next?" gave me another 10 minutes to wonder how I'd react to munchkins. 
DID HE ASK ME OUT AGAIN: Yes. 
WILL I GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: No. 
POSITIVE ASPECTS: The sushi was good and I was home by 9pm. 

The Lost Art of Seduction (or How Cheetahs Do It)

I’m pretty open with my embrace of online dating. At its worst, it is the most entertaining people-watching you can do from your living room while watching reruns of Two and Half Men. At its best, it can expose you to people you would never normally meet and it gives a method of screening that a bar just doesn’t give you. For instance, you can pick out hustlers just from their usernames alone.

35 yr old Surfing Enthusiast with the username of Golfnfvr1954 is probably not 35, and most likely can’t be found surfing the waves at Va beach.

31 yr old Looking for a Meaningful Relationship with the username of 2Yummy4U is probably not interested in the latest book you just read.

You get the point. Well, the other day, I was contacted by this really handsome guy, educated, well spoken and funny. I didn’t get a creepy feel off his profile, and he seemed pretty witty. We exchanged a few emails over the course of an afternoon and talked about meeting in person, and I asked him if he had any pictures other than the one he had posted. So he got my email and sent me a couple of photos. The first one I pulled up was a good close up of him – and he was a cutey! Very hot, and the timestamp was current. Yes! I was excited.The second picture I opened was a picture of his penis.

Now to the point of this blog: What has happened to the subtle art of seduction? Done well by a man, a woman can be guided from a “maybe…” to a “hell yeah!” with smoldering eye contact, a hand on the lower back, maybe a finger grazed across a jaw leading to an amazing kiss. Done well by a woman, a man can think this was all his idea, bolstering his ego and sense of conquest.

It’s a game. I’m all just a game. But I have a PhD in this game. Yet, I found someone who had a definite “maybe” going on, and I got flashed. This made me think about the art of seduction and the lack of this skill in a great deal of single men in my generation.

I was watching the discovery channel last night (yes, I have no life) about this special on cheetahs. The female cheetah goes into heat and males approach, attracted to her. If they come by too soon, she beats them down short of killing them. They then back off, wait an hour or so, sneak up slowly and then she lets them get close enough to mate. Ms. Cheetah is getting more foreplay than I am, and frankly I suspect more than a lot of women are getting.

The problem isn’t just online. I’ve found that men are losing their “moves”. The whole point of a seduction is move a No or a Maybe --> to a Yes. A man expresses interest in what a woman has to say. He might ask about her interests, family and hobbies. He flirts and touches and tests the boundaries of what is acceptable, and not acceptable - All in the interest of seducing her. A woman pretends that she doesn’t know exactly what he is doing and guides the process. (She also pretends she’s virginal, but that’s a whole other blog.)

Let’s look at the possible outcomes of the seduction process:

Moving Maybe --> Yes. A woman knows beforehand if a man will succeed. Like the cheetah, she knows if she’ll eventually let him sneak up on her, or if she plans to beat him down. It’s all about subtlety. This is not difficult either. A

maybe is already a 95% yes, and only 5% I’ll hate myself in the morning.

Moving Maybe -->No. You have to have a lot of FAIL to move a maybe to a no, but it can happen. I was flirting with this one guy at a bar. We had a great night, and it was getting late. I was expecting him to ask for

my number, and instead he said “hey baby…wanna come home with me?” and grabbed my hand to place it on his crotch. Notwithstanding the insulting crudeness of it, if he wanted to pull off that ballsy of a move, he probably should have had something under that hand for me to feel.

Moving No -->Where are my panties? A true master will actually change a woman’s mind, but those are rare and hard to find. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met some experts. One time, I was having a beer playing pool with a friend. Next thing I knew I was doing the walk of shame out of a hotel room thinking, “man, I didn’t see THAT one coming…”

My point is, the art of seduction is time-honored and proven and should be preserved by both sexes. Women: We fold too easy. We need to beat them down when they charge in too soon. After all, it works for the cheetahs. Men: It might take more time than the blunt, “wanna do it” proposition, but it has a much higher success rate. Seduction is an important part of the dating (and relationship) interaction, and a necessary prelude to great sex.

On a completely unrelated note, I have a date on Friday.

Don’t judge. That picture was really impressive.

Gentlemen, don't be THAT Guy.

I’ve gone on a lot of first dates, but every once in a while, a good one gets a second date, and then a third. The third date starts what I like to call, the 90-day Trial Period. It is that magical three month period of a relationship which can be the best part of falling in love. It is the time when you are still trying to hide the crazy from the other person. You worry about sweaty hands, and tell him that you LOVE zombie movies. You hide your dirty dishes in the oven the first time he comes over to your house so he doesn’t know you are a slob. You sneak out of bed early so you can brush your teeth before you kiss him good morning. All those things are fun. But sometimes those three months reveal little signs that can foreshadow the most perfect Mr. Right turning quickly into a Mr. Do-I-Need-To-Get-A-Court-Order-before-You-Leave-Me-Alone.

I take those little signs very seriously. In the last three years, I’ve never had anyone last past those 90 days. My sister says I’m too picky and just being a bitch…maybe she’s right. But I have noticed that there are specific types of guys that reliably send me for the hills. So this is for you, guys.

The top “guys” you don’t want to be:

The Over-Communicating Guy

When a guy starts off by texting to make sure I got home, it’s sweet. When he calls to say “Hi Beautiful!” the morning after our first date, it’s flattering. When I start getting a text every three hours, phone calls three times a day and a moody guy who is upset that I didn’t call when I said I was going to…it becomes creepy. There is a reason there is a three-day rule. Let me have a chance to miss you. Play on my insecurities. Make me wonder if you are going to call again, so I can mull over our last date and wonder if you had a great time too. I don’t know you well enough to talk on the phone three times a day. You want me to call you, but what do I say? You ask what I am doing, but it’s way too early to tell you that I am watching Rescue Me in my sweats, eating mashed potatoes out of a pan because all my other dishes are still hidden in the oven.

The Inappropriately Early PDA Guy

I don’t know if it’s part of your moves to get me into bed faster, but sometimes you PDA guys can rush into the physical affection stage way too early. When I’m hitting it off great with a new guy, and the chemistry is there, it’s hot. We can’t keep our hands off each other…and in private, that’s awesome. But if you don’t know my last name, then don’t punctuate every sentence I say with a kiss, so obviously oblivious to anything I’ve just said. Let me up for air – the waitress is waiting for our order. I’m not a PDA person in the best of times, but it just feels fake and creepy to be cuddling up with someone you barely know. I mean… eww. I don’t know where you’ve been.

The Resume Guy

I don’t look for rich guys, but generally I look for people who have a level of education or career similar to mine. However, there are some men that feel that their career alone will romance me off my feet. Newsflash - if I agreed to go out with you, you meet the minimum requirements. You don’t need to name every award you’ve ever won, each promotion, or (sigh) your salary history. I’m not hiring you. I want to date you. I care about your work, but wait till we’ve gone out a while before you tell me that story about being the number one salesman in the company, and having the whole team put you on their shoulders and carry you around the building. I’ll feel more comfortable then to cover my mouth and cough out “Bullshit!”

The Yes, Dear Guy

Most women are going to kill me for this one, but this is my least favorite guy, so I have to cover it. Being accommodating to your girl is one thing, being submissive is another. It’s not attractive and I would never fall in love with a submissive male. Giving in to my wishes every time, deferring to me in every decision, doing whatever I feel like doing when I feel like doing it…that’s my dog’s job. Not my boyfriend’s. I’ve broken up with someone because he would never choose a restaurant. It was always, “whatever you feel like is fine.” Don’t you have an opinion? A hankering for a meatball sub? Anything?

A man with a backbone and a personality is sexy. This is a basic instinctual reaction of a woman looking for a man able to protect her. I’m sorry, my purse is full with my cellphone, my wallet and my perfume – I don’t have room for your balls.

The Mama's Boy

By the time you are in your thirties, you should be able to care for yourself reasonably well. You can’t have it all. I am a mother. Just not yours. It’s just creepy when I’ve fed you, done your laundry, and picked out your clothes for you, to then expect me to sleep with you. I don’t feel like living a Greek tragedy my entire life. I'm sorry your mommy didn't love you, and didn't teach you to use soap when washing dishes, but I'm already raising a man - I'm not looking to get into foster care or amateur therapy. Get a maid, and a shrink.

The Lonely Widower

Similar to the Mama's boy, the Widower is usually someone just coming out of a divorce, usually with children and doesn't know how to function without a partner. This is the guy who loved being married even if he didn’t love who he was married to, and wants to get back to that state as quickly as he can. Yes, dating sucks. And yes, that state of being “comfortable” and committed to someone is wonderful. But don’t rush it. I don’t want to become a wife because the position is open for the taking, and you want it filled so you can have poker night with the guys again. I’m not a babysitter either. I love kids, but the first three months is too early to introduce kids into a new relationship, and certainly too early to drop them off at my house while you go to work because your nanny called in sick. If you can’t figure out how to date for three months while being a single dad, being single is the least of your problems.

The Romeo

A dozen roses, elaborately planned dates involving personalized scoreboards, singing a love song to me at a karaoke bar – all very romantic, and I know as a guy, probably really fun to do. But don’t play those cards before you know how I’ll respond to them. If you don’t know me well enough to know that the smell of roses makes me nauseous, and that song you just sung to me was the song they played at my grandmother’s funeral last month, I’m probably not going react like you want me to. And let’s be honest, you aren’t really doing it for me. You are doing it to make yourself look good. That’s not romance – that’s showing off.

A true romantic gesture is made to win the heart of the fair lady because it is something for her. Something that you put thought into, that you knew would make her feel good. If you don’t know the girl, how can you know how to romance her?

As for me, I’m not 16 anymore, and I’m unsure if I was into traditional “romance” when I was. I’m a grown woman now with half a lifetime of experiences, trials and triumphs under my belt, and I’m not that simple. I’ll tell you though, the most romantic thing that was ever done for me was on one cold winter morning the first time I had stayed the whole weekend at my boyfriend’s. While I got ready for work, he went outside and warmed up my car for me, and had a cup of coffee waiting for me when I came down the stairs. He even got the cream and sugar right.

I still smile when I think of that, and I still tell the story even six years later, long after the relationship ended. I probably will tell the story of that guy when I’m 90.

And gentlemen, that’s the guy you want to be.