I’ve gone on a lot of first dates, but every once in a while, a good one gets a second date, and then a third. The third date starts what I like to call, the 90-day Trial Period. It is that magical three month period of a relationship which can be the best part of falling in love. It is the time when you are still trying to hide the crazy from the other person. You worry about sweaty hands, and tell him that you LOVE zombie movies. You hide your dirty dishes in the oven the first time he comes over to your house so he doesn’t know you are a slob. You sneak out of bed early so you can brush your teeth before you kiss him good morning. All those things are fun. But sometimes those three months reveal little signs that can foreshadow the most perfect Mr. Right turning quickly into a Mr. Do-I-Need-To-Get-A-Court-Order-before-You-Leave-Me-Alone.
I take those little signs very seriously. In the last three years, I’ve never had anyone last past those 90 days. My sister says I’m too picky and just being a bitch…maybe she’s right. But I have noticed that there are specific types of guys that reliably send me for the hills. So this is for you, guys.
The top “guys” you don’t want to be:
The Over-Communicating Guy
When a guy starts off by texting to make sure I got home, it’s sweet. When he calls to say “Hi Beautiful!” the morning after our first date, it’s flattering. When I start getting a text every three hours, phone calls three times a day and a moody guy who is upset that I didn’t call when I said I was going to…it becomes creepy. There is a reason there is a three-day rule. Let me have a chance to miss you. Play on my insecurities. Make me wonder if you are going to call again, so I can mull over our last date and wonder if you had a great time too. I don’t know you well enough to talk on the phone three times a day. You want me to call you, but what do I say? You ask what I am doing, but it’s way too early to tell you that I am watching Rescue Me in my sweats, eating mashed potatoes out of a pan because all my other dishes are still hidden in the oven.
The Inappropriately Early PDA Guy
I don’t know if it’s part of your moves to get me into bed faster, but sometimes you PDA guys can rush into the physical affection stage way too early. When I’m hitting it off great with a new guy, and the chemistry is there, it’s hot. We can’t keep our hands off each other…and in private, that’s awesome. But if you don’t know my last name, then don’t punctuate every sentence I say with a kiss, so obviously oblivious to anything I’ve just said. Let me up for air – the waitress is waiting for our order. I’m not a PDA person in the best of times, but it just feels fake and creepy to be cuddling up with someone you barely know. I mean… eww. I don’t know where you’ve been.
The Resume Guy
I don’t look for rich guys, but generally I look for people who have a level of education or career similar to mine. However, there are some men that feel that their career alone will romance me off my feet. Newsflash - if I agreed to go out with you, you meet the minimum requirements. You don’t need to name every award you’ve ever won, each promotion, or (sigh) your salary history. I’m not hiring you. I want to date you. I care about your work, but wait till we’ve gone out a while before you tell me that story about being the number one salesman in the company, and having the whole team put you on their shoulders and carry you around the building. I’ll feel more comfortable then to cover my mouth and cough out “Bullshit!”
The Yes, Dear Guy
Most women are going to kill me for this one, but this is my least favorite guy, so I have to cover it. Being accommodating to your girl is one thing, being submissive is another. It’s not attractive and I would never fall in love with a submissive male. Giving in to my wishes every time, deferring to me in every decision, doing whatever I feel like doing when I feel like doing it…that’s my dog’s job. Not my boyfriend’s. I’ve broken up with someone because he would never choose a restaurant. It was always, “whatever you feel like is fine.” Don’t you have an opinion? A hankering for a meatball sub? Anything?
A man with a backbone and a personality is sexy. This is a basic instinctual reaction of a woman looking for a man able to protect her. I’m sorry, my purse is full with my cellphone, my wallet and my perfume – I don’t have room for your balls.
The Mama's Boy
By the time you are in your thirties, you should be able to care for yourself reasonably well. You can’t have it all. I am a mother. Just not yours. It’s just creepy when I’ve fed you, done your laundry, and picked out your clothes for you, to then expect me to sleep with you. I don’t feel like living a Greek tragedy my entire life. I'm sorry your mommy didn't love you, and didn't teach you to use soap when washing dishes, but I'm already raising a man - I'm not looking to get into foster care or amateur therapy. Get a maid, and a shrink.
The Lonely Widower
Similar to the Mama's boy, the Widower is usually someone just coming out of a divorce, usually with children and doesn't know how to function without a partner. This is the guy who loved being married even if he didn’t love who he was married to, and wants to get back to that state as quickly as he can. Yes, dating sucks. And yes, that state of being “comfortable” and committed to someone is wonderful. But don’t rush it. I don’t want to become a wife because the position is open for the taking, and you want it filled so you can have poker night with the guys again. I’m not a babysitter either. I love kids, but the first three months is too early to introduce kids into a new relationship, and certainly too early to drop them off at my house while you go to work because your nanny called in sick. If you can’t figure out how to date for three months while being a single dad, being single is the least of your problems.
The Romeo
A dozen roses, elaborately planned dates involving personalized scoreboards, singing a love song to me at a karaoke bar – all very romantic, and I know as a guy, probably really fun to do. But don’t play those cards before you know how I’ll respond to them. If you don’t know me well enough to know that the smell of roses makes me nauseous, and that song you just sung to me was the song they played at my grandmother’s funeral last month, I’m probably not going react like you want me to. And let’s be honest, you aren’t really doing it for me. You are doing it to make yourself look good. That’s not romance – that’s showing off.
A true romantic gesture is made to win the heart of the fair lady because it is something for her. Something that you put thought into, that you knew would make her feel good. If you don’t know the girl, how can you know how to romance her?
As for me, I’m not 16 anymore, and I’m unsure if I was into traditional “romance” when I was. I’m a grown woman now with half a lifetime of experiences, trials and triumphs under my belt, and I’m not that simple. I’ll tell you though, the most romantic thing that was ever done for me was on one cold winter morning the first time I had stayed the whole weekend at my boyfriend’s. While I got ready for work, he went outside and warmed up my car for me, and had a cup of coffee waiting for me when I came down the stairs. He even got the cream and sugar right.
I still smile when I think of that, and I still tell the story even six years later, long after the relationship ended. I probably will tell the story of that guy when I’m 90.
And gentlemen, that’s the guy you want to be.
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