Bachelor Update - Valentine's Stalker Edition

DATING DIARY - VALENTINE'S EDITION: The current status of my four bachelors has, to be honest, taken a very weird turn. Let's work backwards: Bachelor #4 never got a date because he wouldn't tell me what he did for a living. I tried five times to get him to tell me, each time getting less tactful until I just came right out and demanded to know. It was like asking Barney Stinson what he does - he magically changed the subject every time. I only could get out of him that he worked nights and he didn't want to tell me, so that narrowed it down to a drug dealer or a stripper. 

Bachelor #3 got snagged by another chic while I was wasting time with Dully McDullerson, which is too bad because he looked like a young Russell Crowe. He's bookmarked for later - I'm already busy ruining one man's relationship, Russell will have to wait. 

Bachelor #2, my crush-with-Missouri-Girlfriend-baggage, I'm still working on and I'll tell you, he has gotten much more interesting. Turns out he's a Midwestern white rapper. Yes, I said Rapper. A rapper with three albums. If he knew how much I was laughing while watching his music video, he'd never speak to me again. (No, I will not give you the link.) This might come back to haunt me if I ever nail him...er, I mean ever nail him down. (It did.  Hi, Chuck!)

But to top off my Creepy Single Valentine's Day evening, I just got a Facebook Friend Request from Bachelor #1, Mr. McDullerson (who I now see is not dull, but in fact, just might be a serial killer.) Despite not agreeing to go out with him again, never giving my full name, and not having my face in my profile pic, he has managed to stalk me down and find me on Facebook. Why can't White Rapper stalk me?? Or young Russell Crowe?? Nope. I get Ted Bundy. Happy Freakin' Valentine's Day to me.

Misogynistic Teddy Bears

I can not say enough how much I hate and am offended by those Giant Teddy Bear commercials by Vermont Teddy. Not to mention it is one of the most sexist commercials I've ever seen, with hot models practically humping this giant teddy bear which apparently is a better gift than chocolates because it won't make your woman ask you if she's "too fat" (!!!!INNER RAGE!!!!) but it's a completely impractical gift. No grown woman would want a 5' giant teddy bear. Where in the hell would you put it? If you are going to spend $100 (!!) on a Valentine's day gift, buy us a nice dinner or jewelry, or hell, fill up our gas tank for us (an incredibly romantic gesture, btw). All of those choices are better than something we'll have to pull out of the garage, dust off and stick on our bed every time you come over so you won't find out we hate it and get your feelings all hurt.

Bachelor #2 - Dating Again, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

DATING DIARY: Ok, I haven't updated you all on Bachelor #2. I just went out with him and I have to say...PERFECT!! Well, almost - because it's me after all. I never get perfect. We had a great time - he's adorable, fun and personable and just moved to the area for work a month ago. Very easy to hang out with and I could totally see myself with him. I'm mentally picking out my wedding invitations when he drops the bomb: He has a long distance girlfriend back in Missouri. GODFUCKINGDAMNITTHEREISALWAYSFUCKINGSOMETHING!!! Well at least he was honest, and I definitely didn't get the blow off/excuse vibe. I might have only made a new drinking buddy (like I'm short on those) but I don't care because he's hot and smart, and those guys always have a girlfriend you have to get rid of. 

DID HE ASK ME OUT AGAIN: Yes. 

WILL I GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: My life's mission is now to break him up with the MO skank.

The gauntlet is thrown. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Bachelor #1 - Dating Again

DATING DIARY: I figure if most of my dates are awful, then the only way to succeed is go on a crap load of them....play the numbers, so to speak. So putting that theory into practice, I have four guys on the hook right now and went out with the first of them tonight. DATE #1: I said I never had uneventful dates? I was wrong. Dully McDullerson's crowning achievement so far in his 35 yrs is he's practicing to be the drummer for his roommates garage band. He had absolutely nothing interesting to say, at one point talking about resurfacing bathtubs. I literally counted the chives in my Miso soup. There were 17. He even talked slow. I missed some stuff in the middle of a story because I was daydreaming about a tornado coming down and lifting the restaurant up into the cyclone. I first wondered if I'd see a cow flying by, but then I thought, "Where would a cow come from in Hampton?" After I calculated in my head how long a cow would have to be spinning in a cyclone in Hampton if it came from a more rural area like Smithfield, I realized he'd stopped talking. A simple, "So, what'd you do next?" gave me another 10 minutes to wonder how I'd react to munchkins. 
DID HE ASK ME OUT AGAIN: Yes. 
WILL I GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: No. 
POSITIVE ASPECTS: The sushi was good and I was home by 9pm.